


Lost Soul

by writedownemotions



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Car Accident, Coping, F/M, I write as I go, I'm sorry for the sadness in this one, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29464326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writedownemotions/pseuds/writedownemotions
Summary: It should have been the most wonderful evening, with the most wonderful lass. But ‘twas the worst night and I wilna forget it to this day.orJamie & Claire have to build up their lifes again after a tragic car accident. But something is wrong with Claire and Jamie needs to figure out how to bring her back.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 34
Kudos: 65





	1. I love you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,
> 
> I thought I'm giving it a try with a Fic of my own. This one is not Betaed nor is English my first language.
> 
> I go with the flow. I have a small plot and know where I want it to go but other than that I don't have anything.
> 
> I hope you all will enjoy it, feel free to point out mistakes if you see them. - writedownemotions

_ It should have been the most wonderful evening, with the most wonderful lass. But ‘twas the worst night and I wilna forget it to this day. _

-

Ever since me and my wife, Claire, decided that it would have been nice to experience the joy of our first date all over again, my life has never been the same. It changed in a way I would never have expected, nor wanted it to have taken the way it did. The moment the vehicle to my left crashed into the one I was driving, I thought I’d lost her. I thought her amber gaze filled with fear would have been the last thing I saw before my time on this planet was counted.  _ But it wasn’t.  _

I was alive, and so was she. I thank God every day for granting me more time with the woman I love so much. A life without her would be living life as a man with no beating heart.

We spent weeks in the hospital and the smell started to fill me with waves of nausea. I hoped that soon we were to leave and thank God, our time was up not long after and the doctors told me to head home and rest.

“Mr. Fraser, it would be best if yere headin’ home. T’has been a while and I think yere fit to rest for a while.”

“Aye, ye’re right Doctor.”, I looked at Claire, she looked so tired.  _ So, so tired. _

All I wanted was to bring her home to a place of solace, where she can rest until she feels restored to her old self. I could see in her eyes the flash of exhaustion and the minimalism of strength, which made me leave as quickly as possible, and the first thing I did was breathe in a breeze that didn’t permeate the air with the smell of doctors and medicine.

I called a taxi as our car was not in the near state for transport any longer and helped Claire into the backseat. The driver stared at me through the rearview mirror, waiting for my specification of the location I wanted him to drive us to. With a low voice, and focusing on my wife next to me, I told him our address and the next second we were on our way home.

The drive wasn’t easy as recurring images of the accident occupied my mind and I could see the same matter bothering my wife. I whispered some phrases in Gaelic, my mother tongue, into her ear, and knew it would calm her, even though only for a limited amount.

The time on the road felt like an eternity, and I was happy once the vehicle stopped rolling, and my eyes caught the sight of our house. Claire was quiet through the whole drive through and I blamed it on exhaustion and fear, as usually she is a very outspoken woman.  _ She’s been through a lot. _

I paid the driver and nodded my head to thank him while he drove away with an expression of confusion. To be honest, I would be confused as well if I’d drive a couple of scared people, with dirty clothes, who watch every single vehicle cross the road with caution that is not normal. I refused to leave Claire’s side once I was discharged.

How could I care about how I looked when my wife was there, suffering, needing me by her side?! For now, I try to forget about the driver and focus on Claire rather, and bring her inside.

Everything looks exactly the way we left it that night. The kitchen was completely clean, as Claire never left the house without giving it a swipe. The blankets on the couch were neatly folded into squares. Hers on the left and mine on the right, but once we would use them we either end up using them both on one side as the both of us can not stay away from each other.

The dining table kept mail on it, neatly put together by my sister Jenny. Jenny and I are really close, she had visited us a few times at the hospital, but once she saw we were doing better, she had to tend to her own family which Claire and I completely understood. Jenny tried her best to be there for everyone and we were and still are grateful for this.

I decided to check the mail another time, when I hoist Claire up into my arms and carry her into our bedroom. The stairs creaked with every step I took and I tried to walk slowly to not hurt Claire.

Once I placed her into our bed and tucked her in, she finally talked to me and I realized just in that moment how much I missed her voice. How the sound of it carried me away and warmed my heart. Her voice was the melody to my favorite song.

“Thank you, Jamie.”

I was asking myself why she would thank me, but the sound of her vulnerable voice cracked my heart and for a moment I thought its sound breaking was louder than her actual voice.

“ _ Ah Dhia,  _ Claire. Ye dinna have to thank me. I’m yer husband and I swore to ye that I’d protect ye, forever.”

My hand stroked through her beautiful auburn curls, caressing her scalp, careful of wounds that aren’t healed yet.

“I still want to thank you.”

“And ye can, but not for things like that, ye understand me? I will always be by yer side and take care of ye, mo nighean donn and tis’ something ye can be thankful for but not something to thank me for.”

“I love you.”

“And I, you, Sassenach.”

I stayed there with her, stroking her face, her hair, her lips. I kissed her once before she fell asleep and gave into her exhaustion. She looks like an angel, her face, despite the wounds, the most beautiful one I’ve ever laid eyes on. Her eyes closed, and me knowing that below her lids are orbs in the most beautiful color.

After what felt like a few seconds, I decided to take a quick shower in order to feel completely myself again and once I felt the hot water covering my skin and my eyelids closed I drifted to a moment I knew will haunt me for the rest of my life.

_ “I love you, James Fraser.” _

_ “And I you, Sassenach.” _

_ “I’m so excited to go back there, and enjoy our evening together.” _

_ “Aye, me too!” _

_ A loud sound. _

_ Claire’s gaze of fear. _

_ My screams. _

_ Darkness. _

_ Dark. _

_ Oh, it was so dark. _


	2. I'm worried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie has a strange phone call with his sister and the worry about Claire does not end.

_I didn’t lose her. That’s what’s most important._

  
  


_-_

The first days back home weren’t easy. My wife didn’t talk much nor did she look like she would make a complete recovery anytime soon. Her face was as pale as a white rose, her lips didn’t find energy to curl up into one of her breathtaking smiles and her curls sat damp on each side of her shoulders waiting to be brushed. I didn’t know what to do and seeing her in this state was like someone reached into my chest and ripped out my heart in slow motion.

One morning we sat across from each other at breakfast, Claire using her fork playfully to move her morning eggs from left to right.

“ _Sassenach,_ please ye have to eat. I canna bear seeing ye like that.”

I caught her attention as amber eyes glared at me.

“I’m not very hungry.”

The moistness in her lips hasn’t re-appeared. Her skin was so dry that if she would smile, her skin would rip apart leaving her lip red from blood.

“Ye havena eaten normal portions ever since we’ve returned. I’m worrit, _mo nighean donn,_ so worrit.”

I felt her ice cold hand on mine and drifted off into a memory where it once presented warmth. Her silky skin intertwined with mine.

_“Claire, I will always make ye happy. Ye wilna have to worry wi’ me, I will lay the world at yer feet.”_

_“Jamie…”, her hands drifted into mine and the warmth reverberated from her skin “how do I deserve you?”_

_I smiled at her, my mind making up millions of reasons why she deserved to be treated like she’s the only woman on this planet. My lips brushed the skin of her hand while I focused my gaze on her face._

_“Ye deserve the world and more and I will make sure ye’ll have it.”_

“Don’t be worried, Jamie. I will be fine.”

Claire didn’t have the strength to go on further and I watched her laying the fork next to the untouched eggs. I sighed, still holding her icy hand, brushing my thumb over her pale skin to get some heat from my skin onto hers.

“I am worrit, Sassenach. Ye look so pale, ye havena eaten much and ye barely sleep. How am I not to be afraid that something is wrong wi’ ye?”

Her icy hand twitched and she looked at me with a glassy gaze that sent chills down my spine.

“I will be better, Jamie. I just need some time.”

I nodded, knowing that Claire herself knew what’s best for her body but I also knew that my wife, being the stubborn but wonderful person she is, also makes a horrible patient. I had to remind her a lot to take care of herself but in the end it’s mostly _me_ who loses those arguments.

The day passed quietly and Claire spent it with a book on the couch while I sat on the table going through some documents that have been sent to me by my boss. I started working again but requested some conditions to still be able to care for my wife. Those included, working from home and only half the time I was working before our accident happened.

My boss was more than happy to accept those, as my presence at work was deeply missed and the number of sales decreased during my absence. Claire was not close to being ready for work and I heard her call with her boss every now and then for some check ups. I have to admit I would have loved to take over for her during those calls, but she insisted on doing them herself but I could hear the exhaustion in her voice.

Finally finishing my shift, I packed up my laptop and as soon as the sound of closing the zipper echoed through the room, Claire looked up at me from the book she was so deeply invested in the whole afternoon.

“Are you finished already?”

“Aye, I was thinking we could order some dinner and maybe watch yer favorite movie?”

“I would love that.”

The vibration of my phone made me whisper a quick apology to my wife and when I glanced at the bright display, I smiled seeing the name of my sister.

“It’s Jenny”, with enthusiasm I hit the green button.

“Hi brother, how are ye holdin’ up?”

“Quite alright, just wanted to order some food.”

“I have to come over soon, so yere getting some normal food in yer belly!”

“Och I can take care of myself, thank ye, I dinna need my sister fer stuffin me, when I can click some buttons on my phone and get some better meals.”

“Ye dinna just say that!”

I laughed and so did she, when a sudden silence filled the room.

“It’s good to hear ye laugh”, I didn’t know why her voice went from a sound of joy to sorrow in a split second, and I have to admit that it scared me.

Usually Claire is filled with happiness when Jenny is calling as the both of them were like sisters, it didn’t bother them that they weren’t blood relatives they sure felt like it.

This also made me wonder, why Jenny didn’t ask me about Claire? Why didn’t she check up on my wife? Was it rude for me to ask her? Did she want to protect her? I had many unanswered questions racing through my mind, but none of them were ready to come out yet.

“It’s good to laugh with ye, Jenny.”

The sudden silence was suddenly filled with a tiny sob which carried itself through the phone line and I knew she was crying.

“ _A leannan,_ what’s the matter wi’ ye?”

“Dinna worry brother. I will be fine, I have to go, the bairns are hungry.”

And all of a sudden the line was broken. I didn’t understand why she acted the way she did, nor did I know what caused her sudden wave of sorrow. I turned around to see my wife stare at me with her amber gaze, not moving a single muscle.

“Sassenach?”

“Did she ask about me?”, her voice was nothing more than a whisper, and it tore my heart apart to see her like that. The disappointment was written into every aspect of her expression and she knew the answer before it left my lips.

“Why didn’t she ask about me?”

“I dinna ken, Sassenach. But I also dinna think that she is alright. She suddenly started to cry, and then hung up. I think she just needs some time, ye have to think she almost lost the both of us.”

Claire nodded and my fingers traced the side of her face in slow movements. Despite all exhaustion and sadness, my wife still was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and nothing could ever change my opinion on that. The moment I fell in love with her also happened to be the moment my eyes first met hers. I knew she was the one and I was right. Without Claire I knew I would be nothing.

“Must be that then.”

“Would you like to go for a walk before we order some food, _mo nighean donn_? Fresh air would do you good and despite the late hour it isna quite dark yet.”

She nodded slowly, but happened to agree with me. I made sure she wore warm enough clothes as the evening could cool down the high temperatures of the day and tied the laces of her shoes she chose to wear. She didn’t say anything while I helped her get ready and I didn’t mind as I wouldn’t want to pressure her into something she doesn’t want to do, even something as simple as talking.

“All ready, Sassenach.”

“Thank you, Jamie.”

I kissed her, relishing in the taste of her lips and I realized just then how much I missed being close with her. The days that passed, we barely even shared a kiss and this wasn’t usual. 

Her kiss was hesitant but she must have felt the same way I did as her lips parted and her tongue found its way to mine.

I pressed her tiny body on mine, wrapping my arms around her waist to taste her some more and I wished we never stopped. I could have left earth right there and knew I died a happy man. Those thoughts have always crossed my mind when I was with Claire. She even made the thought of death bearable. _But Lord help me, if I would ever lose her._

After a few minutes we parted and her usually flushed cheeks were still as white as snow, my hand found its way through her auburn curls.

“Let’s go”, she said to me, her lips curling up into half a smile. 

I took her hand in mine as we made our way outside. The weather was lovely, the sun had its last few minutes for the day before it descended and called the night. We walked through the nearby park, Claire not saying a word, when all of a sudden she took a halt. I turned around to find her eyes closed and she looked for a split second like she was lost to reality.

“Claire?”, I was concerned. She didn’t act like the woman I knew for the past few days but this certainly was out of character, which concerned me even more. The sight of her sent goosebumps all over my body, my muscles tight, ready to catch her in case she might lose balance. She didn’t blink and her amber eyes gleamed at me and it was as if I got drowned in whisky.

“ _Mo nighean donn?”_

I tried to approach her smoothly and once my skin touched hers it was as if her body shot back to reality.

“Where are we?”

I didn’t realize I held my breath until I let out a raspy bit of air.

“Let’s get ye home, Sassenach”, was all I could say. 

My mind couldn’t process the actions my body took and the next thing I knew, we arrived at home. I knew this couldn’t go on like this for much longer. I needed my wife back. Complete and whole, because I couldn’t see my wife waste away without decaying myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm so thankful for the comments I got on my first Chapter. Please do not get used to frequent Chapters as I happened to have half of Chapter 2 ready.
> 
> I must admit that while writing this Chapter, I got further ideas where to take this plot and I might like it. It isn't much different than the plot I had planned in the first place but I think it's just as sad as the first one.
> 
> A Chapter note: 
> 
> \- Jamie and Claire live an hour drive away from Jenny
> 
> Sending much love to all of you.


	3. She will be better

_ She will be better, I ken it! _

-

After we got back from that uneasy walk, I made sure Claire felt safe and rested, I most certainly still ordered dinner for the both of us to make sure she gets the food she needs and her body can restore itself from its exhaustion. She stared at the bowl of  _ penne all’arrabbiata _ as if she had never seen food before. Her fingers gripped around the fork she held in her left hand, ready to dig into the meal in front of her but her brain seemed to block the motion.

I took a few steps towards her, took the chair from one side of the table, to place it next to her.

Once I sat, I softly removed the fork from her hand and picked up a mouthful of pasta. My hand guided towards her mouth but she didn’t intend to open it.

“Claire, ye have to eat. I really want ye to get better and in order to do so, I need ye to take care of yerself.”

This caught her attention as she finally looked up at me, as if she hadn't realized that I was sitting right next to her trying to get food into her body.

“I’m alright. I think the walk has just exhausted me”, her hand touched my face and it was as if a breath of wind had covered my skin.

“We barely walked, Claire. And even if, ye need food. I have already accepted that ye canna get breakfast and lunch into ye, but I need ye to eat solid food. I ken yer eatin’ the snacks I’m bringing ye, but an apple isna enough. Please. I’m worrit.”

Her dry lips parted and first I thought she was about to bring up another argument, but her mouth closed around the piece of  _ penne _ . She chewed slowly, savoring the bite she took and I saw the gleam in her eyes when she swallowed it.  _ She wanted more. _ Hope took over my mind, and the next thing I know I fed her half the meal. It felt good to see her eat and her pale skin gaining back the rosy color it usually had.

“I canna tell ye how proud I am of ye,  _ mo nighean donn. _ ”

She smiled at me, certainly proud of herself, when her lips covered mine.

Her hands closed behind my neck as her tongue made its way between my lips. I missed her so much, even though she was right in front of me.  _ Just slightly different. _

I didn’t know if it was the taste of  _ penne  _ that awoke a memory in me, but my mind went straight back to the first time I took Claire out on a date. When we went to the restaurant we wanted to go on the night our car crashed.

_ “After ye, milady.” _

_ “Well thank you very much, milord.” _

_ I was head over heels in love with the woman in front of me. _

_ She wore a beautiful blue dress with flower prints embroidered on the bottom. Her shoulders were exposed as the dress was in fact sleeveless. The pearl necklace she wore covered her silky skin and the matching earrings framed her face perfectly.  _ She _ was perfect. She wore her hair loose and her curls fell onto her shoulders. She had the most beautiful head of hair I have ever seen. _

_ She smiled at me as we sat on a table next to the window. In the middle burnt a candle which left us with a romantic atmosphere. Claire’s face lit up in candlelight and her curled up lips did things to me that made my heartpace go twice as fast as usual. I loved her already, from the first moment my eyes met hers a few weeks ago and I wouldn’t give up until I heard those words from her lips. _

_ “So, I assume you take  _ penne all’arrabbiata” _ , she giggled and I automatically smiled. _

_ “Ye ken me well, Sassenach. Let me try. Ye will eat just the same”, now she laughed and so did I as we both knew each other better than we knew ourselves despite not having met long ago. _

_ I ordered for the both of us and added a bottle of  _ Pinot Noir  _ which we both found out was our favorite wine. _

_ After the waiter left with our order written down on paper, I took Claire’s hands into mine, thumbs brushing her silky skin. _

_ “Thank ye, for being here wi’ me”, her face softened as those words left my body and I felt her hands turning in mine so she could intertwine her fingers with mine. _

_ “Thank  _ you _ , Jamie, for being here with  _ me _.”  _

_ I smiled and wondered how a woman like her could find what she was looking for in a man like me. She deserved the world and so much more and if she chose me to be the man to do so, I knew I would do everything to make her feel the happiest woman on earth. _

_ Lost in her eyes, I got ripped back to reality as the steam from our pasta filled my nose. I watched Claire as she closed her eyes above her plate, relishing in the delicious smell of her food. _

_ “Bon appétit, Jamie.” _

_ “I think in Italy ye say, Buon appetito, Sassenach”, I tried to wink, which I always failed to do and saw her holding back a laugh.  _

_ I guess I just needed to train my eyes a little more in order to impress her. _

I got ripped back to reality when a sudden brush of cold air covered my body and I realized that Claire wasn’t in front of me anymore. I looked around to find her laying on the couch, her book once again held in her hands. 

It felt as if dinner didn’t happen, and I would have thought it true if it wasn’t for the half empty plate of  _ penne _ in front of me and the taste of it on my lips from the kiss Claire and I shared before I drifted off into the memory of us.

I cleaned the plate and sat myself next to Claire, who now looked up from her book.

“I could ask Jenny to come over this weekend if ye want that?”, I saw her mouth twitch and I didn’t know if she liked the thought of human contact as much as I thought she would.

“That’s a lovely idea.”

Her short usage of words didn’t worry me as much. Of course, Claire has always been a very outspoken woman which is one of the characteristics I love so much, but as mentioned before, she has been through a lot and she would eventually gain back her vocabulary and the ambition to use it.  _ She will be fine. _

“I will gi’ her a call tomorrow morning and see if she can make it.”

I kissed Claire’s forehead as she nodded and left her to read her book once again. Her skin gained a bit more of the rosy color back and it calmed me, even though just a little. She had a long way of recovery but not for one split second will I leave her side.

I kept my promise and called my sister the next morning, but somehow she didn’t pick up the phone which made me leave her a text message asking if she would love to come over this weekend.

Jenny wasn’t a woman who loved technology as much as others did. She was a woman of times not as modern as the ones we’re living in which didn’t make this situation seem off.

Claire could have of course sent Jenny a message herself, but I didn’t want her to have her mind someplace else than herself.  _ She needs to get better and she will get better. _

As my wife was still in the land of dreams, I started up the laptop which I removed from its case in order to finish my tasks for the day and started working. I did everything as quietly as possible and was glad I didn’t have an online meeting this morning with any of my colleagues or clients as it would create unnecessary noise that could distract Claire’s rest. 

While focused on my screen, a sudden wave of cold air covered my body and caused me to close my eyes instantly. Images of doctors surrounding me came to my mind and my eardrums got bothered with the sound of beeping monitors. Voices were mumbling in the background which made it impossible to make out the words they said.

With a sudden force I ripped open my eyes and found myself sitting in front of my laptop once again. My vision was still blurry from the moment my mind drifted off to somewhere unknown.

“Are you alright, Jamie?”, I felt startled at the voice that appeared behind me. Even though my wife was the only one that calmed the raging storms inside of me, she caught me off guard.

“I’m so sorry,  _ Sassenach _ , all is well. I must have drifted off in some thoughts, nothing else.”

“You seemed scared. Are you sure it’s fine?”, she asked now with worry in her voice.

I hated when I worried Claire. She had her own demons to fight, I shouldn’t bother her with my own just now.

“I must have thought of the hospital. Tis’ nothing more.”

I wasn’t lying. I wouldn’t.

I re-collected the images once again and was quite sure that something had triggered my thoughts and brought me back to a moment of trauma.

“If there’s anything I can do”, her arms now wrapped around my chest from behind and I felt her face next to mine while she rested her chin on my shoulder “you know you can talk about it, Jamie.”

I smiled while turning my head softly to hers. My index finger wrapped itself into one of her curls and I nodded.

“Of course,  _ mo nighean donn _ .”

With a kiss on my cheek she stood up, walking towards the kitchen where she removed two cups from a drawer. 

It calmed me to see that she slowly came back to her own self, preparing coffee in the morning for the both of us. After the sound of grinding coffee beans filled the room, Claire sat herself next to me, her head leaning on my shoulder while her hands wrapped around her mug filled with the steamy brew.

“Thank ye.”

I kissed her forehead thankfully and took a sip grimacing and cursing my impatient self as the coffee still was way too hot to be consumable.

“Always the same with you James Fraser”, she giggled.

Her giggle brightened up my day and I couldn’t describe the way it made me feel as my ears craved to hear that sound for a while now.

The sound of my phone ripped me out of my thoughts and I saw my sister's name shining brightly on my display.

_ “I can’t come brother. But we will see each other soon.” _

“She didn’t ask for me again, right?”

I sighed.

“No,  _ Sassenach _ , she didna.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm still speechless by the response this Fic is getting. Thank you all so much.  
> I was afraid at first that due to English being not my actual language, no one would actually want to read it.
> 
> There are also some GOOD NEWS.
> 
> Lost Soul official has a plot. I know for a 100 % where I want it to go. Of course some minor details have not been worked out yet but I figured out an ending that I am content with.


End file.
